My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
nutella sex= disaster
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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