I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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