I wish I could teleport
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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