Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
