I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
