my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
