i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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