Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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