i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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