I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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