my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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