i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
