People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
