He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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