You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
