Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
