I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
