there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
