I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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