One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
