She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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