I'm drive I can fine osifer
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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