I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
