I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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