He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
