Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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