So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
