You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
