The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I came so hard my ears popped.
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