So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
