John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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