Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
