I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
