my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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