I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
honey bunches of taint.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
