i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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