I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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