I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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