K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
