WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
