what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
