do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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