And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I cut my penus on the lid.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
