know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
