The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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