i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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