so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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