Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
