So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
