New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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