I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
